Since I was a child I’ve dreamed of my wedding day. Walking down the isle, in a beautiful church, to a loving man, with a big smile on his face. That was my dream. && In order to fulfill that dream there would have to be a man who was willing to wait for me…at the end of said isle… That being said…I hit a few snags on the road to finding him and by snags I mean exes. Luckily, I didn’t have a ton of awful experiences. I definitely got hurt but the lessons learned made me the woman I am today…and for that I’m thankful.
FAST FORWARD TO MEETING HIM
It was the summer of 2007, when we met. We were introduced through mutual friends and began casually texting and seeing one another. We would meet up on campus during class breaks or kick it at my home girls dorm room…&& for 5 years, we kept things this way…strictly platonic. We flirted here and there but it was honestly nothing more than just “kickin’ it” for a long time. As you can imagine my affection for him grew and grew. && w/o warning I began to realize just how deep my “more than friend” feelings for him were becoming. We officially started dating in spring of ’12 and at the time I didn’t even realize how blessed I was. I had fallen in love with a man, who is now my best friend, and makes my heart smile on a daily basis. Now in any relationship there will be a few hiccups along the way…but there are a few things you can do pre relationship to give yourself and your partner a good foundation to build on. I have such a heart for people who desire to be loved…so for those of you on the road to finding or waiting for love to find you…here are a few things you can do in the meant time.
1. Love Yourself
I know it sounds a bit cliché but it’s true. We spend years trying to date and get to know other people, hoping that we can find the one. And all the while we completely forget to fall for the person looking back at us, in the mirror.
Why is it important?
Learning to love you gives you the best ally you can ever have! It takes away all the stress of constantly having to prove yourself and replaces it with total acceptance and peace. You will begin to feel more comfortable in your skin and instead of constantly calling attention to your flaws, you naturally begin to emphasize your strengths. Not only does loving yourself feel good but it looks good too. Too often we look to the world to validate us through family/friends, social media, and relationships…&& the unfortunate part about doing this is you will only value yourself as much as the next person does. When you accept yourself you’re telling the world that regardless of what anyone else thinks, you love who you are. Just be sure to always be honest with yourself.
What it will do for your relationship?
There is nothing more attractive than someone who is completely self aware and feels good in their own skin. Not only do you attract the right type of people when you’re being true to yourself but the confidence you will radiate will be magnetic. Love yourself boo…or nobody will.
2. Deal with Your Insecurities
Insecurity is one of the quickest ways to kill any relationship. It is literally the boomerang of emotional flaws and no matter how hard you throw it, it will always come flying back.
Why it is important?
Letting go of your insecurities before you enter into any relationship is vital. Let me repeat that…Letting go of your insecurities BEFORE you enter into any relationship is VITAL. Firstly, there is nothing and I do mean NOTHING attractive about being with someone who cannot live, breathe, or function without you. Ridding yourself of insecurity will help you avoid several relationship hurdles…things like jealousy, low-self esteem, paranoia, possessiveness, and verbal abuse are just a few of the many things that come along with dating an insecure person. Question: Who would want to date a person like that? Answer: No one worth your time. Learn to do item #1 on the list and love all the little things you cannot change about yourself and for the things that can be changed —> EVOLVE & REBUILD! Build yourself into the mogul, icon, or boss you dream to be.
What it will do for your relationship?
Having a hold of your insecurities allows you to view yourself and others more clearly. Why? Because instead of spending your life second guessing yourself, you will learn to trust your gut. You get to see yourself flaws and all for what and who you really are…which allows you to be more transparent in your relationship. Transparency is key because none of us are perfect and we all have things we need to work on. So instead of being that paranoid, verbally abusive, stalker in the relationship, that always points the finger at what the other is doing wrong…you can point that finger back at yourself and see what you can do to make the bond in your relationship stronger.
3. Learn To Trust Again
If you’re like 90% of our generation you have already played the love game and lost. Which is often the result of giving your heart to someone too quickly. Love is literally giving someone the power to crush you and trusting them not to. See any familiar words?
Why it is important?
When we give our heart away and someone hurts us in return, it becomes difficult to give that kind of power to another. If you’re not ready to do that then you’re not ready to love again. Because love is built on the foundation that trust creates. How can you truly say you’re in love with someone you don’t even trust? You don’t…the desire to love may be there but being in love is somewhat of a surrender. Are you going to willingly surrender everything that you are to someone you can’t even turn your back on? Nope…so before you push the reset button and decide to try again, make sure you’re ready to trust again, with every fiber of your being. If you don’t your new love will grow weary of trying to prove themselves. Usher said it best when he wrote “His Mistakes“…some of the lyrics say…
“I’ll do anything to prove I love you, baby girl but I refuse to pay for something I didn’t do. I love you girl but I refuse to stay, paying for his mistakes.”
Now obviously this song was written about a female but it can go both ways. There are men out here who subconsciously make their women pay, for the betrayals they dealt with from a female in their past. If you don’t get it together –> YOU. WILL. LOSE. THEM. I promise you that.
What it will do for your relationship?
Enjoying the perks of being with someone you can trust with your whole heart will give you freedom. It’s like breaking off chains and finally being able to run free. You will breathe easy, you will sleep better, and you won’t be constantly allowing your past to dictate how your current relationship will prosper. It creates an open and honest environment and makes it easier to communicate with your love. Fall back and let someone who is worth your time catch you.
***Please be mindful that I am not advising anyone to get out and trust the first man/woman who pops up in your tinder, tomorrow. Take your time to get to know them…please don’t rush into anything when your heart is on the line. It takes time to figure out who your heart is truly safe with.***
4. Find Out What You Want
Have you figured out what it is that you want in a life long companion?…Have you really figured it out? OR are you just saying “Yes” because you’ve randomly thought about it in passing?
*Goal oriented * Handsome * Beautiful *Smart * Funny * Religious * Honest * Caring *
ALL OF THE ABOVE?
Why it is important?
Have you ever been extremely hungry but couldn’t decide what you want? Taco Bell? No. McDonalds? Gross. Sonic? Nah…Finally you just chose something and were super unsatisfied the whole time you were eating it?…Different scenario, same concept! How can you expect to find what you’re looking for, when you have no clue what you’re looking for? Get out a piece of paper and literally write down what your perfect man/woman would be like…now ball it up and King James it in the trash because nobody’s perfect! Just kidding…look at your list and decide which things are most important to you and which things you can live without. It is important to know what characteristics are deal breakers to you because when someone comes along that doesn’t fit the bill, you will have no problem cutting them off and moving on to the next chapter.
What it will do for your relationship?
Besides not wasting yours or anyone else’s time, it will keep you and your love on the same page. You know that you’re choosing someone that you are compatible with and that shares similar views as your own. So you can both grow and evolve together without finding out down the line that he/she doesn’t want kids or isn’t in to the whole marriage thing. When you start to realize to late that you’re with someone who wants different things than you, you will start growing in separate directions. If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anyone…err anything…don’t fall for the wrong person and get in to deep because you had no idea what you wanted from jump.
5. Know Your Worth
Last but absolutely not least…knowing what you do and do not deserve is an all around game changer.
Why it is important?
Let’s just be honest, people who don’t truly understand their worth end up in the worst relationships. They get disrespected, lied to, taken advantage of, and are the quickest to end up on the depressed side of a break up. You can’t expect any person on this earth to treat you with respect, if you haven’t made it a requirement…that goes for men, women, children, cats, and dogs…if you will settle for less, baby, this world will give it to you. You need to know that you deserve everything, that you are willing to be for someone else. The thing about knowing your worth is that it scares off the unworthy. You carry yourself differently…it’s not snobbish…it’s not stuck up…it’s just confidence. Confidence in the fact that you are deserving of everything you want to give or be for someone else. Radiate a sense of self-worth and you will only attract people who are up to the task.
What it will do for your relationship?
When you and your king/queen finally link up for life you will have the luxury of being with someone who is able to reciprocate the love, respect, and trust you are ready to give to them. Imagine being in a relationship where someone desires to fulfill every standard you have set for yourself. You don’t have to push or force anything…it just comes together because you’re two individuals who are so sure of who you are that uniting only pushed you to want more, from what you have. Never settle for less because 1. You can do bad by yourself & 2. The best is yet to come!
The single life is the perfect time to work on yourself…take time out to get to know who you are as an individual so when love finds you…you’ll be ready.
Stay*Golden*Y’all
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Yvonne Ashlee 