4 Invasive Questions To Ask On The First Date

In the last decade the dating game has changed, immensely. The rise of social media has made finding a love interest a simple swipe or button click away. && as we all know change will come with pros and cons.  Apps like Tinder  and Bumble have spoiled our generation, to the point where we seldom meet the old fashioned way…Facebook and Twitter have turned into relationship cyber psychiatry…and what was formerly known as courtship, has completely evolved.

How I imagined meeting my soul mate as a kid…if it were only this easy.

 

So, recently I sat and thought to myself “What I would do if I ever had to get back in the dating game?” (highly unlikely because my man is A1. BUT food for thought nonetheless!)…but I sat and thought of all the awful scenario’s I might encounter, on 1st or 2nd dates. Of course I would ask the normal questions: What do you do for a living? Are you religious? If so explain...You know, the basics. With that being said I realized a key characteristic about myself that has completely changed, since the last time I was on the market…I CARE FAR LESS  ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK…THEN I EVER HAVE. At this point in my life I am all about transparency, honesty, and growth. && Starting over I really feel like I’d want to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…from JUMP! That way we can decide if we should finish this promenade walk and head to dinner OR if I should hop aboard the S.S. NOPE and set sail to safety.  

So here I have compiled a list of invasive questions I would ask on my first date. Utilize them at your own risk.

1. How Close Are You && Your Mother?

Are you “I buy my mother flowers once a month and stop by to take out her trash, every now and then.” close?? Or are you “Momma said Alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no tooth brush” and you believed her, close??

“It was just a question Bobby…chill!”

There is a method to my madness…and I need these answers because the relationship you have with your mother will reflect the way you treat THE woman in your life. Do you spoil her? Call her just to talk? Tell her you miss her? If so, wonderful and your answer to this first question has shown me that we can move on to the next, without delay. NOW…on the other hand if you and your mother are TOO close then we may have to end this because 1. I’m NOT am not cutting the crust off your sandwiches. 2. I don’t need her calling me at 2 A.M. to give me her recipe for salmon croquets, cause that’s her great grandma from Nola’s recipe, and this is the only way you eat them. 3. I WILL NOT COMPETE WITH YOUR MOMMA…so the whole Norman Bates thing isn’t going to fly…not on a first date, not on the second, not in a house, not with a mouse. NEVER…and the same goes for females. You can’t have your mother controlling your life and relationships. YOU. JUST. CAN’T.

2. Do You Have Kids? If so, how many kids/baby mama’s/daddy’s?

Dannnng! You went there didn’t you?

Yup! I sure did go there. I already told y’all there is no time for game play. I need to know the nitty gritty and I need to know it yesterday. Kids are a very integral part of our lives and if you have them I want to know if you take care of them. Not only that but baby mama drama is abundant in 2016 and the last thing I want is to have some psycho broad pull up on us with your three kids, yelling at me because her child support card declined, for YOUR lack of payment. NOOOPPPPPEEEE! I don’t even watch that type of reality on TV…I’m daggone sure not about to LIVE it. && to my fella’s…y’all already know you have to check the “Car Facts” when you’re in the market for a new vehicle. The same goes with women. If she has 4 bebe kids, 3 baby daddies, 2 child support checks, and a partridge in a pear tree, YOU might be next. Drop the cheddar biscuit, head for the nearest exit, and RUNNNNN!

3. Where Are You ORIGINALLY From?

This question MIGHT seem pretty basic but you can tell a lot about someone by where they are from. If you sit down to dinner and he seems a little twitchy and you ask him where he is from and he says “I’m from Mineral Wells, TX.” I’m going to be a little taken back.

“Wait….where you from?”

Firstly, where in the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is that?! && Secondly…NOPE, NOPE, NAH! I don’t trust it. Call me paranoid if you want to but I seen that movie and I was too afraid to watch the ending (but I know it ain’t end well for ole girl). How do I know you aren’t leather faces second cousin trying to prove yourself by bringing home some fresh TN meat? As soon as that city name come out yo MOUF I am calling my “Uber Nope” driver and pulling off in your face like.

 

4. Were You Born That Way?

So, this one is mainly for the men. && if this offends anyone I’m sorry but I have to be completely honest. Y’all have it soooooo hard in 2016 because it has become increasingly more difficult to tell who was actually born a woman and who has made a lifestyle change to become one. I can’t even tell anymore! THIS IS NOT A STAB AT ANY TRANSGENDER WOMAN but I told y’all previously that transparency is key and I feel like trickery is wrong on any level. So you swiping through Tinder and you see this girl…Most of y’all would DM her am I right?

Chingy’s entire career was ruined by this beautiful woman. Who was actually born a MAN. Live your life y’all…if you want to be a woman than be a woman. But don’t get out here fooling unsuspecting men and pressing charges when they decide to square up. Just wrong on so many levels. I seen a FB status from a guy who said from now on he is only dating pregnant women…I hollered from laughing because I couldn’t even be mad at him. If I were a man I’d want to see the birth certificate…baby pictures…senior yearbook photos…SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS!

I am telling y’all…jot down these questions and ask them on your next first date. Get your answers boo! If you have any questions you’ve previously wished you asked on the first date, leave them in the comments section below. If I get enough I will do a part 2 with your ideas!

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STAY.GOLDEN.BOO

4 Things That Bother Men About Women

The phrase “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them” rings true to a lot of things…but is without a doubt the perfect way to describe the dysfunctional function between men and women. In this two part blog we will explore and discuss the things that men dislike about women and next week what women dislike about men. If you are a sensitive woman who takes offense to things easily I am giving you an out right now…stop reading and go on about your day! Because you may not love everything that they had to say…that was your warning…So if you’re a female a && still reading I am going to assume that you’re about THAT life and you’ve mentally prepared yourself for the REALNESS to come.

So yesterday I posted a status on Facebook asking some men the question above. It was not long before hilarity ensued. “The crust on the back of your heel. Can you guys please start sanding that off?!” was my cousin, Jayarr Steiner’s initial response…and I chuckled fervently from a deep place in my stomach. But I was looking for serious answers and boy did I get them…so let’s start with…

It takes y’all too long to get ready/Females who wear too much make-up

I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear this one…mainly because I am the main one to set aside 3 hours to get ready for the nights festivities. In our defense I don’t think it HAS to take this long but when a real ninja is trying to look her best WE TAKE OUR TIME. You can’t just Usain Bolt your way through winged eyeliner…these things require focus and concentration OR you end up looking like Heath Ledger’s version of the Joker. “I woke up like this” is a partial lie…Beyoncé might be beautiful but she did not wake up to a full sew in and a beat face…UNLESS she took a nap after she got it all done.

So, gentlemen…we hear you and we may try to finish up 10 minutes earlier than normal, just cause it bothers y’all so much…probably not…but we gon’ let y’all have some hope!

Now, TOO much make-up is a different problem all together. This simply means baby girl has either not perfected her craft or that her friends aren’t real enough to tell her she looks more like Homie the Clown than Kim K. LADIES, take notes because according to our men they DO NOT want us out here looking like “A walking cake” or  “A frosted moon pie” (analogies courtesy of @veeverse & @jayarrsteiner)…It should never APPEAR that you are wearing a lot of make-up. Even if you are. The point of makeup is to enhance, not to deceive, or illustrate a completely new face. That’s false advertising and should be grounds for a lawsuit. Plus, your goal for make up should be quality over quantity.

Whatever…I look good…

 

Social Media Models/Diva Attitude’s

So here’s what gets me…men get agitated by attention seeking females aka “Social Media Models” I get it…but aren’t y’all slick the ones giving them their platform?! Seriously, if y’all weren’t commenting and liking the pictures there would be no reason for them to take 5 in a row and post them all (because we all know if a certain number of likes aren’t reached we deleting it, whether the pic was fire or nah!). Is it possible that y’all can reprimand the parched males on your team before you come for the TALL.GLASSES.OF.WATER on ours? Just a thought…thanks in advance…

Who got the juice? I got the juice!

Anyways, I am playing devil’s advocate because I can completely see why it bothers a lot of men. Like I said in a previous post…who wants to be with someone who is constantly begging for validation…and allow me to elaborate, so my words aren’t twisted…We all post selfie’s, we all upload lil videos, and pics of ourselves…if you don’t like it unfollow. HOWEVER, it is NOT necessary to post 4 videos of you back to back rubbing your hair and puckering your lips into the camera to the sultry sounds of Hotline Bling…that’s a little too much self love and I think you may have the functions of a camera confused with the mirror. Moral of the story: Men don’t like women who do the most for attention.

Now onto the Diva Attitude’s…I have never been the type of girl who has the permanent attitude…and I am not referring to the swag/runway model type of attitude either. I am talking about that stuck up…I know I’m fine…You know I’m fine…Yes, this is  a designer bag…No, I don’t use public restrooms…Yes, I have 8,000 followers on IG…But I only follow 20 people type attitude. && if  you’re that girl please do not take offense…I am merely relaying the data that was collected from our generation of men.

I think straight out of high school this type of attitude was cute…well, we thought it was cute. A mature man, who knows what he wants, is no longer looking for that cute girl with all that sexy attitude…he is looking for a woman with class && elegance. Someone who carries herself like a queen and can take care of her business…not a socialite with too much time on her hands. As women, in this confused generation of social media we focus too much on outer beauty…which is important, don’t get me wrong…who doesn’t want to look good for her man…but if your attraction stops at your face than baby your shelf life isn’t going to be very extensive.

TALKING or COMPLAING Too Much

So you’re going to shut up for the rest of the game, right?  High five to that!

I don’t even know where to start with this one lol…because I know I am a repeat offender. Look can we define talking too much? Because idk how to justify our actions here.

This is what I don’t get…God is obviously the G.O.A.T. ( “Greatest Of All Time” for my 40 and up club reading this) and He made us perfectly in his image…but why would He give women the “love of talking” gene…but not feel the need to give men a “love to listen” gene? How did he expect us to live together in harmony?…WHATEVER…he’s got a plan and we have to trust it. Check this out though…we have to put up with y’all’s terrible toilet etiquette (aka peeing on/around it and leaving the seat up) so y’all can put up with a little chat time during HALF TIME!

Now on the flip side I do understand the complaining thing…Because we can come way left field on this one. We come home from work and you immediately greet us and ask the “How was your day?” question and without notice, warning, or time to prepare yourself…WE GO IN ! “Ughh, awful! Andrea the SCALLYWAG thought she was gonna get smart with me today and pissed me all the way off! Idk why she out here acting foolish like she run me…YOU *clap* AIN’T *clap* MY *clap* BOSS *clap* BOO BOO !!!”…and you poor things are sitting there panic stricken with confusion like “Wait…what just happened?!”…and then we proceed to give you a play by play of everything that pissed us off in the 9 hours we were at work that day…

And on behalf of the female community I take full responsibility for this because at some point we all do it and y’all are the ones who have to put up with it. But the reason is this…our men are our safe place. So when we have a bad day at work we know we can come home, pour a glass of wine, and unload all the frustration, until we feel better. It’s slick unfair, so maybe I can talk to my cyber home girls and see if we can come to an agreement on trying to do better, in this area…don’t hold your breath though. 

She Wants To Act Like A Man But BE Treated Like A LADY

So apparently men don’t like women who act like men. Who-da-thunk? (that was sarcasm btw). This makes perfect sense to me. It’s not the 50’s and I don’t think this statement means women need to be in a little apron, cooking, cleaning, and ironing the day away…I think it means exactly what it says…if you want to be treated like a lady than act like one. Don’t get mad at your man, square up, starting beating on him like you’re a big burly dude, get knocked out, and become hysterical like…

HE CRAZZZYYYYY!

In order to be treated with respect you need to have respect for others…in order to be treated like a lady you need to act as such. It’s fine to be independent and be proud of the fact that you can do for yourself…but honestly if I was a man out on a date with a woman who is forever letting the world know that men are worthless, she don’t need nobody, and bragging about the amount of coinage in her account…when the check comes and she looking up at me like…

• I’m gon’ look right back like…

Nah, You got it remember?

Seriously…it doesn’t make sense. Then, you have other woman who pride themselves on using men, cheating on men, having a guy catch feelings over them, and then dogging him…and you expect a grown man who has it together to want you? Nope, I’m with the fellas on this one. You reap what you sew…and I suggest that if this id your mindset go get the book “Act Like A Lady. Think Like A Man” by Steve Harvey…because you have the game ALL twisted up.

But there you have it. Some of the top things that men dislike about women…If you are a man comment below and tell me if you agree with this list. If you’re a female comment and let me know how you feel about the opinions listed above…

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STAY.GOLDEN.Y’ALL

That Awkward Moment…

We’ve all been there…those uncomfortable moments in life that leave us mortified to begin with and turn into hilarious stories later on. This post is completely dedicated to the most cringe worthy situations that we have all faced or heard and laughed about with a friend…So without further ado…

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN…..

You See Someone You Only Know From Social Media In Real Life

Social media has a way of making this world even smaller than it already is. When you can look at a person you have never met and say “Aye! Is that Candy_GurlMonroe23″ over there at Pretzel Palace?” then we are definitely online far too much. I have actually been at the mall and had a guy I have never seen, in all my days come up to me and say “What up, prettyy_caramel?!”…um, stalk much bruh? Not only do I not know you but you just called me by my instagram name like that’s what I go by on a daily basis. Um, no!…Lol hol’ up…pause…Let me not sit here and front for y’all like I did not feel Queen Bey famous, waving to all my fans like…

Yeah, these ninjas know about ya girl. Heyyyy!

 Anyway…as a female I have started many acquaintance-ships via social media…You see a girl with her hair laid so you put a few heart-eyed emojii’s under her pic **scrolls** see some eyebrows on FLEEK and comment “Yassss, boo!” **scrolls** peep where someone didn’t get a single like and double tap for your good deed of the day. We’ve all done it! But the question is when you are out and about and see @DaBaddest343_ in person what do you do? We have developed some sort of acquaintance-ship through our exchanges, so do I say Hi? Should I act like I didn’t see her and wait for her to acknowledge me? What if I say “Hi” and she acts like she doesn’t know me? (which would be petty and embarrassing then a mug)…In any case, I normally decide to just embrace my inner bougie and act like I never seen her…then it becomes more awkward because she seen me, see her…and she knows, that I know, that she seen me, see her, see me…and we both end up looking like…

When You Blow Up The Elevator or Public Bathroom

I for one have never done this because…

Ya’ feel me? But we all know public bathrooms and elevators are the worst place to be when anyone has the runs or the rump roars…first off an elevator is a small moving box, no windows, no means of escape until you get to your desired floor. So if someone decides to turn it into a “passed” gas chamber then you just have to endure (at least until the doors open and you can beeline for the stairs). What makes this situation funny is how everyone in the elevator starts looking around like they’re trying to figure out who it was. Now look!…Somebody in here did it…so at least one person in here needs to stop pretending to be dumbfounded and own up for ruining everyone’s day…AT THE VERY LEAST you owe us that! The guilty person is normally the “over actor” and you know it was them because they are trying so hard to act like the funk blind sided them too…

OMG! Who did this?!?!

We know it was you!!! But it’s already too late and now we all outchea suffering!

When You Send The Text To The Wrong Person

Man…this one is bad and we have all done it! The age of the smart phone has made life so much easier…it has also made it increasingly more easy for us to humiliate ourselves. With texting being a normal means of communication there are bound to be a few mishaps here and there…Like when you’re venting to your bestfriend about how you can’t stand your boyfriend/girlfriend so you send them a good long txt talking SUPER reckless, click send, instantly feel a little better because you already know they’re about to hit you with some BOMB advice, and then realize that your friends name is not listed under “Baby”in your phone!! Yup…you just sent your rant on a one way ticket to bae and now they know how you REALLY feel and also that you was too scurred to man up and tell it directly to them. Orrrrrr when you send your parent a txt that was absolutely not meant for them to see. Mannnn…I did that a few times when I was younger and wanted to strap up my roller blades and glide my unfortunate self off of a cliff. The worst part is when you hit send and IMMEDIATELY realize that you royally messed up and can’t stop the message…I have never felt so helpless in all my days…

WHAT…… IS……… LIFE?!!!

When Kids Say The Darndest Things

Kids are honest and normally filter-less until they get to a certain age. We know this because we have either been this child or know this child. Now this can either be very funny or extremely embarrassing. I remember when my niece was small and would say pretty much anything that came to her mind…she’d ask rhetorical questions and want REAL answers. Rewind 9 years…me and my niece were headed to church with a family friend and her mom. I strap up my then 3 year old niece in her car seat next to my friend’s then 2 year old brother. I close the door and go around to the other side to get in. In the amount of time it took me to get to the other side of the car my niece had spoke to everyone in the car, looked over at the two year old and loudly asked him “Why is your moms nose so big?” (who was of course driving the car and could clearly hear every word she said)!! My first reaction was horror and embarrassment…which was quickly followed by violent laughter at the fact that my niece really expected an answer (from the 2 year old) to her question. That whole 30 minute car ride I sat in the back trying my hardest to stifle the laughter…no such luck…

NO FILTER!!! Kids say what is on their mind and that is that. They aren’t sensitive and they are in no way PC…which my bestie found out last week at the mall with her 6 year old son son. They were meeting a friend of hers in a department store (in the make-up section) that he had never previously met before. As they waited he pointed out several passing women, pointing and saying “Is that her? Is that her? Is that her?”…finally he yells “That is definitely NOT her! That is a MAN with girl hair and drawn on eyebrows!” Yeap, she was horrified…reason #354 that parenting makes you want to cry on a daily basis lol

When The Halitosis Hit You And You Don’t Know What To Do

Talking is pretty much a normal part of everyone’s day. We talk to the cash register at the gas station. We talk to our co workers at the coffee machine. We also talk to people while pursuing new business ventures. Imagine being in an interview with the manager or HR person. They are dressed nice, hair is neat, and they are wearing a nice smile. NOW imagine they shake your hand and say “GOOD MORNING!” and their breath is so pungent that your eyebrows burst into flames and disintegrate off of your face and into a pile on the floor.Like what can you possibly do besides play off the fact that you are on the verge of passing out and playing dead?! It’s different when it’s family or close friends…with them you just tell them like it is and keep it moving. But when you are in a situation where you must remain professional you kind of have to endure. I have attempted to hold my breath for 3 minutes when a manager at a previous job whispered something in my ear. Had me feeling like

UGHH! Just awful…lol Anyway…its SUPER Awkward because you know that if they knew they’d be hella embarrassed but you don’t have the heart to say anything…nor the audacity to open your mouth in close proximity to theirs!  Ugghhhh

When You Don’t Know what You’re Doing In The Gym…And It Shows

The gym is basically a normal occurrence in everyone’s life. We all go at least once..though we may not make it a life-style. Getting to the gym is the easy part…it’s when you get there and look at all the new fangled contraptions that you realize you have no idea what you’re doing or where you should start. So you play it off like you’re ABOUT THAT LIFE and everyone around you can tell you aren’t. You grab the closest thing in sight and start going hard to once again remind your fellow gym members that you aren’t new to this…you true to this…YOU LYING!!

Your form is slaw, you’re breathing hard, and now you have either worn yourself completely out (in three minutes) or hurt yourself all because you were too prideful to ask for help. Smh… Meanwhile, you have entertained the entire gym and allowed everyone to indulge in your awkwardness! Been there, done that!

There you have it! Awkward moments that we can all relate to in some form or fashion.

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STAY GOLDEN Y’ALL!

The lies we tell…Pt 1

So I was chatting with a few of my co-workers about the lies, we as women tell ourselves. The list is honestly longer than I24 and could go on for days. But there were a few topics that came up more than once…so I thought why not discuss and shed some truth on the Lies we tell…

 Lie #1: “I have no regrets.”

First of all…there is no way I could have made it through 25 years of life without a single regret. I regret not getting better grades in high school, I regret giving certain clowns from my past the time of day, shoot I regret my eyebrow shape from 2010-2012! Idk what I was thinking or why people were giving me compliments on them but they were on everything but FLEEK. Anyways, I constantly see women posting about having no regrets…wait a minute…you have three different baby daddy’s, no proposals, and you’re on welfare…n you mean to tell me you regret nothing? Uh-huh you may not have any regrets but bet if we three way call your uterus, it might have a few! But at the end of the day there are always things we wish we could have done differently…respecting your past and the trials you’ve overcome does NOT mean that you have no regrets. It simply means you stood in the face of adversity and came out on the winning side…aka fix what needs fixing and change what needs changing. So to all my ladies who looked at their past and decided not to let it determine your future…all I have to say is…Yasss!! You go girl!!!

Lie #2: “All Men Cheat”

Man, I have such a problem with this statement…not only are you stereotyping every man that walks this planet but you are also undermining the integrity of the men who are actually faithful. If you are a woman who believes this you are more than likely either: In a “situationship” with a poor excuse for a man or have been in a series of unhealthy situationships that have left you bitter and angry at ALL men. Either way you slice it, that statement is false and is just an excuse to stay in your raggedy relationship or to continue dating “boys” who couldn’t define CHIVALRY if someone placed Webster in their hand. As woman we need to empower each other to a certain standard and stop giving these BOYS an excuse or a “pass” to mess up…because “All Men Do It”. Nope! Nope! and Nah! There is a big difference between a MAN and a male who cheats. And one of the key factors is understanding that most men will only do what you allow them to. If he knows he can cheat and get away with it, guess what? He will! If he knows he can talk to other females via social media, guess what else? He will be snap chatting, direct messaging, and kik’n as many “low self-esteemed” chicks as his little Johnson can find. But for woman who hold their man to a certain standard this  scenario is very far and few between. Because she knows what she deserves and won’t hesitate to show him the DOE “aka door” if he can’t get some act right in his system. So if you are dating an unfaithful man kindly pack his bags and say “I can do bad by MYSELF and being single never bothered me anyway!”

Lie #3 – “I’m going to start that diet on Monday”

I can’t even front like this does not pertain COMPLETELY to my life. There have been so many times that I have had LONG “come to Jesus” meetings about my eating habits and weight. Then, I decide I am going to change my life and do the right thing. I plan out meals, print out exercise plans, and get my Beyoncé play list ready so I can be in the gym like…

Then comes Monday….I only start diets on Monday because it is completely absurd to try to start anything Tuesday-Sunday. The work week starts on Monday, so that is clearly the day to start things that you don’t want to do. So either Monday never comes or I was lying to myself the whole time knowing good and well I was going to end up on the couch like…

Anyways, I figured I wasn’t the only one telling themselves lies about dieting, so I had to include it on the list of ways we deceive ourselves. Be on the look out for my future blog on dieting…I’ll probably start writing it on Monday. Lol

So there goes my first edition of “The lies we tell“. There are so many that I figured I better break this up into parts. Please feel free to comment some lies that you would like to see in future posts.

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