SWERVE ‘EM & CURVE ‘EM

I was having a casual convo with my girl, about women and how thirsty they can be on social media. ESPECIALLY when pertaining to men (specifically those who are already spoken for). This is a heated topic for most of us. We don’t like women taking second glances at our man, much less cyber flirting with him. My research has proven that it takes .5 seconds for a woman to get perturbed by the presence of another female, on her man’s social media account. What is the origin of said research, you ask? 

UH…my home girls…

This is a constant topic of discussion, for us. && it’s a difficult thing for us to ignore because we are so territorial…&& men just don’t seem to get it. They just can not wrap their heads around why we get so instantly indignant, with women who have no relevance…&& what’s worse is now that we’re bothered we have to take our talents down to the “Let’s talk couch” and stress him out with another “I think it’s funny how…Why you always gotta be so friendly?… Maybe if you would stop posting gym selfie’s all the time…” conversation, for the umpteenth time!

Now he’s sitting there all stressed and pressed because all he wanted to do was come home and partake in some Netflix and Chill…&& now he’s got to explain himself and apologize, for something he didn’t even know occurred. 

Yeah, whatever. Stop being so fine and we won’t have these problems.

Women though…these heifer’s have so much audacity. They will make a comment half an inch from crossing the line and then be like “He ain’t thinking about me sis. He love you.” OH, YES MA’AM…You bet your bottom dollar he does and I am completely aware of that fact. What I am currently unaware of is why you think it is acceptable to place a plethora of heart eyed emoji’s under his pic…as if I will not see them. FIRST OFF…I know the man is attractive, boo. That’s one of the many reasons he was cuffed. SECOND, you already knew he was in a relationship. I know this because ALL women have majored in social media private investigating, at some point in their life. If we are interested, we know where he grew up, which high school he graduated from, and his current relationship status in 90 seconds! That’s just how we do.

THIRDLY…how daaaare you…

How dare you trespass on the sanctity of our union and then have the nerve to turn your nose up at me…As if, I’m the one who’s out of pocket! How dare you make questionable remarks underneath his pictures/status updates and then refer to me as INSECURE…Babbbaayyyy, let me go ahead and illustrate a picture of what INSECURE actually looks like…for your royal simpleness!

INSECURE IS…

• A grown woman who enjoys long scrolls down her timeline and attempting to engage in flirtatious banter, with another woman’s man.

INSECURE IS…

• Trying to shame another woman for being protective over what is rightfully hers…

INSECURE IS…

• Someone who gives relationship advice but cannot sustain a healthy relationship, to save their own life.

SO JOT THAT DOWN.

One thing that I do understand is that some women who make these girl code infractions, are unaware of what they’re doing. Not many…but some…So…I have created a list of guidelines, on how to tread softly while publicly addressing another woman’s man.

1.  Avoid all pet names. Honey, baby, sweetie, love, etc. 
2. Heart emoji’s (and any other flirtatious smileys) should never be placed on his selfies. Reserve those for family pictures or thought provoking quotes.
3. Less is more. There is a thin line between “Friendly” and “doing too damn much”. Do NOT cross that line.
4. Stay out of his DM’s!
5. Chill out with the excessive snap chats. Responses to funny posts are acceptable…once every 3 weeks. 

Just to name a few.

Ladies…be mindful that this post was directed towards women with men that respect them, enough NOT to engage in inappropriate social behaviors with other women. If homeboy is allowing it and you are coming for the female –> YOU LOOK DUMB. 

MESSAGE TO THE FELLA’S:

Give us a break. Y’all know we crazy. We haven’t changed, nor switched up. Been A1, since day 1. We know we can go a little over board sometimes but it’s for a good cause. Think of it this way…if she never feels territorial than that girl AIN’T YOU GIRL, fam! 

It’s back ups in her phone, just in case she decide to lay you off. Also, y’all have to start curving women in the same regard that you want us to curve other men. Y’all know good and well if another ninja hop in bae DM’S with the “You fine as hell” you want her to hit ’em with the…

 

Or nahhh…

That’s exactly what we need from you. For you to let these females know that it’s not a game and above all else you NEVER disrespect the queen. 

I need some feedback from my ladies and gents. LADIES…Tell me if I’m right or if you disagree. GENTS…Tell me if you’ve had to deal with this from your queen and feel free to share any funny stories or anecdotes.

STAY.GOLDEN.Y’ALL

 

The Mans Guide to Female thought…

I Love My Man

But there have been many times where I have wanted to strangle him…briefly.

It’s like he knows me so well at times and others we are on totally different pages…in COMPLETELY different books.

I’m sure it’s the same for him though. I am pretty much your typical female when it comes to the basis of our relationship. First off I am always up under him (hugs, kisses, cuddling, hand holding etc.). Secondly, I have a tendency to be a tad bit spoiled at times (which is pretty much 99% his fault) which can lead to brat-e-ness when he tells me no. Thirdly, I get emotional over silly things some times (which I’m positive is annoying). Now being that he has become pretty used to these things it’s probably not that big of a deal but I’m sure after a long day at work it can become a bit bothersome.

The point I am trying to reach is that it is impossible to read each other’s thoughts but I thought I would put together some guidelines for our men to refer to, when you are in a pinch w/ bae.

Think you can pass the test?

Question #1

You come home from a long day of work and your girlfriend/wife is pissed at your interaction with another female on Instagram. To you, it is not a big deal but she seems very upset. Do you…?

A. Tell her that she is over reacting and that she should get over it.

B. Talk with her about the issue she has and come to an agreement on how to handle this scenario in the future?

C. Assure her that she is right and promise to never talk to another female on social media again?

D. Ignore her and continue playing 2k15?

If you answered A or D you are begging to be single. If you answered C you are a pushover and need to ask Spalding if you can borrow some balls. BUT if you answered B then you my friend are on the track for success.Here’s the deal with us women…we need to know that our feelings and opinions are valued. We hate to be ignored and we will never respect a man that we can completely control. So with that being said communication is key. I agree that we are territorial by nature but we also know when a female is purposely over stepping her bounds…I mean shouldn’t we? Unless you’re dealing with a woman who is psycho possessive you should trust her judgment and show her by listening to her issue/concern and deciding how these situations should be handled in the future.

QUESTION #2

So you and your girl have had a rough weekend. You are arguing constantly and can’t seem to get along. Later, you try to carry on a conversation with her and she is giving you one word answers (whereas in a normal situation you can’t shut her up). You ask her if she is okay and she replies “Yes” with a straight face and annoyed tone. Do you…?

A. Say “Cool!” and continue on with the conversation.

B. Yell “You ain’t got to lie craig!” laugh and walk away.

C. Start begging her to forgive you because you can’t live without her.

D. Let her know you can tell she is upset and whenever she is ready to talk through it you will be here.

First of all if you answered A or B you are super petty and I am not fooling with you today lol if you answered C then you just a soft ashhh dude and you need the type of help that I cannot provide. D was the right answer…so if you are Mr. D then I applaud you…wait…did I just say Mr…Smh, whatever…like I was saying if you answered D that was the correct answer. I am guilty of saying I am fine, when I am not. It’s the brat in us…we want to be acknowledged and sometimes babied…bottom line is we want to know that you care enough to fight for us. But that doesn’t make this the right behavior for these types of situations. So if she feels like being petty then you do not have to press her. By telling her you can clearly see that she is upset and that you are ready to talk it out when she is, YOU have gained control of this situation. You have bounced the ball in her court and now she understands that you care but she can also see that you aren’t a door mat. SWOOOONNN!! What women doesn’t want a man that can show concern and still be in control?! Trick question…we all do because we love that ish!

QUESTION # 3

Your girlfriend is wearing a hairstyle that you pretty much hate. In your eyes it doesn’t compliment her the way other styles have and you want her to ditch the do. So do you…?

You hate my hair? Um…okay…

A. Tell her that she is always beautiful but you like it better when she does her hair like (insert style.)

B. Inform her that hair hat she is rocking today looks ridiculous.

C. Snap a picture for the gram and caption it “Slaw or nah?”.

D. Act like you don’t notice so you don’t hurt her feelings.

The correct answer is A. You never want to lie to us or let us go out looking like “…a mess where heat is applied to it.” But to really understand why A is the proper answer, you must first delve into the world of a woman. If you haven’t already noticed we can be immensely self conscious. We care more about YOUR opinion above anyone else’s. We also seek your approval and want to overall impress our men (unless she has gotten to a point where she is too comfortable and that is a problem in and of itself). Anyway, when you express an extremely negative view on the way we look it creates self esteem hurdles, that you as a man can never understand and we as women have a hard time overcoming. We already live in a society where we are valued by skin tone, physique, and overall appearance. The pressure to look as good as the next female is always on and once you open that door it’s hard to close. Men value their pride…women NEED their self esteem. So to avoid hitting her confidence with a big K.O. every time you dislike her outfit or choice of hair style, know your intent and watch your approach. You could unknowingly push her to question her worth. Yeap! It can be THAT serious.

Question #4

When she says “I don’t care where we eat. You choose.” Does she really mean…

A. I’m not really that hungry anyway.

B. He always chooses the best restaurants.

C. I am in an indecisive mood but I actually do care where we eat and if you choose wrong I WILL be agitated.

D. It really doesn’t matter where we eat because I am too hungry to care.

Welp, if you answered anything but C you are sorely mistaken! We pretty much always have room for food, a man rarely picks the right restaurant, and it ALWAYS matters where we eat. So why do we say we don’t care when we really do?! Yeah…I haven’t figured that one out yet but when I do I’ll let y’all know. I guess it’s because we’re hoping that one day your taste will be as good as ours and you’ll finally decide to choose Zaxby’s over Taco Hell.

Question #5

When your girlfriend says she doesn’t trust another female around you is she saying….?

A. She looks like she is going and I don’t have the extra funds for probation fees.

B. She is clearly in love with you and ain’t fooling nobody.

C. Cut all ties with her before I CUT both of you!

D. You know I trust you but I don’t trust her and would prefer if you limit contact with her.

And the answer is***Drum Rolls*** …ALL OF THE ABOVE…depending on who you’re dating. Here’s the reality of this situation…we are women…women know women…so we know when another woman has her eye on our man. The signs are pretty clear from day one unless home girl is really getting her Halle Berry on and putting in OT to earn her Oscar…”And the sneakiest performance award goes to….!!”

“Yeen slick boo!”

Nah, my girl…we see you! In any case you should never give another female a platform to disrespect your woman. It’s one thing if bae is overly suspicious of ALL women then she may just be super insecure. But if she is pin pointing one shawty who is clearly feeling you and you can’t see it TRUST HER WORD…&& tell ole girl to have a seat _/ in the rejection section! If you feel like there is a mis-understanding then set up a time where all of you can sit down like adults and talk it out. Other, than that put the shoe on the other foot and understand that you know men better than we do and that we should trust your word as well!

Do you think you passed the test? Want to see more post like this? Go HAM in the comments and tell me what you agree/disagree with!

STAY.GOLDEN. BOO

 

 

Anything you can do I can do better…

The battle of sexes has been raging on for thousands and thousands of years…it has stood the test of time and is showing no signs of slowing down. Men honestly believe they are faster, smarter, and stronger than women…which I can kind of agree with on the faster/stronger part but on the smarter….mmm probably not lol but anyways I thought a good topic for today’s blog would be things men ARE and ARE NOT good at…

Men are NOT Good at Expressing Themselves

Lawd, lawd, lawd…whoever came to this conclusion ain’t never lied! And any woman who has ever been in love knows this to be textbook truth. Personally I am as dramatic and expressive as they come (if you haven’t already guessed that) and it burns me to the core when I have no clue what my significant other is thinking. At any given moment there are 5 ideas, 4 to-do’s, 3 errands,  2 reminders, and a partridge in a pear tree flying through my mind…and from my understanding, men have the unique ability to sit back, relax, and think about nothing!! What?! Nah…someone better teach me that Jedi mind trick because I would love the opportunity to sit and think about nothing (I low key think that’s just a lie they tell us to get us to shut up and stop asking them how they feel). But in any case is it really their fault they don’t express themselves well? From the time they are small they are told not to cry, show weakness, or talk about their emotions (Unless it is anger -_-). So basically man up and shut up! In any case I have come to the tragic conclusion that pulling feelings out of the male species is like pulling a half priced 100% Remy bundle out of a hoodrat’s hands…Meanwhile, men continue to look at us like Kanye when they hear those four dreaded words “We have to talk.”

 

Men ARE Good at Pest Control

I have a phobia of ALL things creepy crawly! As a matter of fact, we as WOMEN have a phobia of all things creepy crawly. We jump on couches, scream, flail our arms, and act a complete fool when you even mention us and a cockroach in the same sentence! I hate insects so much I even went as far as jumping out of a moving golf cart (back when I was a leasing consultant) after a Kamikaze cicada threatened my life and flew full speed at my head…YES, I was driving it. Yes, there were prospective residents on the cart viewing an apartment. And NO I did not care about their well being…it’s a cold world and sometimes you must look out for numero uno first! But anyways the fact that I have a boyfriend puts him on official pest patrol, day and night! Matter fact if your man don’t kill bugs GET RID OF HIM…cause he has just let you know that it is every man for himself and you may not end up on the winning side!

Men ARE NOT Good At Facing Rejection

By age 15 most women have been hit on by a dude w/ low self esteem. The exchange of words goes something like this:

Jerk: Dang, baby…you looking good today. Where yo man at?

Woman: **rolls eyes and continues to walk while ignoring the ignorance***

Jerk: Forget you! You ugly anyway…

I’m ugly now? Hol’ up my boy…two and half seconds ago I was “…looking good today” but because I didn’t delude you in your feeble attempt to get my attention I’m unattractive now?! Wowwww! You mad and it is not my fault. Matter fact, you just made yourself look three times worse than when I ignored you. Smh. Oh well…

Men ARE Good At Making Us Laugh

One of the things I love about my man is his ability to always put a smile on my face. We can be in the middle of a serious conversation and he will quote one of our favorite movies and I will burst into laughter…There is nothing like a man who can make you happy. Then there are the times when you are angry with him and you are dead set on being mad…these are the times where we DON’T…WANT…TO…LAUGH. Like when you unknowingly go to sit on the toilet and he forgot to put the seat back down and you fall in -_- UGH! Then he tries to make a joke that you don’t want to laugh at because you just sat your bare behind in toilet water…but you know it was slick funny and you end up like…

WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD AT THAT?!

Men ARE NOT Good At Comforting Us

There are very few men who are good at giving comfort. Women are natural comforters…especially to our children. Baby get’s a boo boo…we kiss it. Bae get’s laid off…we encourage. That’s just who we are and what we do. Unfortunately, after all the women and some of the men were created God ran out of the “Comfort” ingredient…and now we’re faced with the awkward situations that happen after we have a moment and they sit there trying to figure out what to day/do like…

We understand that they don’t know what to do in these situations but at least they try though…right?

So there you have it…my list of things that men are and are not good at. Sorry I had to pick on y’all but the women’s list is coming soon…I promise. Let me know if y’all want a part 2!

Don’t forget to LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, & SHARE…

Stay golden y’all!

The lies we tell…Pt 1

So I was chatting with a few of my co-workers about the lies, we as women tell ourselves. The list is honestly longer than I24 and could go on for days. But there were a few topics that came up more than once…so I thought why not discuss and shed some truth on the Lies we tell…

 Lie #1: “I have no regrets.”

First of all…there is no way I could have made it through 25 years of life without a single regret. I regret not getting better grades in high school, I regret giving certain clowns from my past the time of day, shoot I regret my eyebrow shape from 2010-2012! Idk what I was thinking or why people were giving me compliments on them but they were on everything but FLEEK. Anyways, I constantly see women posting about having no regrets…wait a minute…you have three different baby daddy’s, no proposals, and you’re on welfare…n you mean to tell me you regret nothing? Uh-huh you may not have any regrets but bet if we three way call your uterus, it might have a few! But at the end of the day there are always things we wish we could have done differently…respecting your past and the trials you’ve overcome does NOT mean that you have no regrets. It simply means you stood in the face of adversity and came out on the winning side…aka fix what needs fixing and change what needs changing. So to all my ladies who looked at their past and decided not to let it determine your future…all I have to say is…Yasss!! You go girl!!!

Lie #2: “All Men Cheat”

Man, I have such a problem with this statement…not only are you stereotyping every man that walks this planet but you are also undermining the integrity of the men who are actually faithful. If you are a woman who believes this you are more than likely either: In a “situationship” with a poor excuse for a man or have been in a series of unhealthy situationships that have left you bitter and angry at ALL men. Either way you slice it, that statement is false and is just an excuse to stay in your raggedy relationship or to continue dating “boys” who couldn’t define CHIVALRY if someone placed Webster in their hand. As woman we need to empower each other to a certain standard and stop giving these BOYS an excuse or a “pass” to mess up…because “All Men Do It”. Nope! Nope! and Nah! There is a big difference between a MAN and a male who cheats. And one of the key factors is understanding that most men will only do what you allow them to. If he knows he can cheat and get away with it, guess what? He will! If he knows he can talk to other females via social media, guess what else? He will be snap chatting, direct messaging, and kik’n as many “low self-esteemed” chicks as his little Johnson can find. But for woman who hold their man to a certain standard this  scenario is very far and few between. Because she knows what she deserves and won’t hesitate to show him the DOE “aka door” if he can’t get some act right in his system. So if you are dating an unfaithful man kindly pack his bags and say “I can do bad by MYSELF and being single never bothered me anyway!”

Lie #3 – “I’m going to start that diet on Monday”

I can’t even front like this does not pertain COMPLETELY to my life. There have been so many times that I have had LONG “come to Jesus” meetings about my eating habits and weight. Then, I decide I am going to change my life and do the right thing. I plan out meals, print out exercise plans, and get my Beyoncé play list ready so I can be in the gym like…

Then comes Monday….I only start diets on Monday because it is completely absurd to try to start anything Tuesday-Sunday. The work week starts on Monday, so that is clearly the day to start things that you don’t want to do. So either Monday never comes or I was lying to myself the whole time knowing good and well I was going to end up on the couch like…

Anyways, I figured I wasn’t the only one telling themselves lies about dieting, so I had to include it on the list of ways we deceive ourselves. Be on the look out for my future blog on dieting…I’ll probably start writing it on Monday. Lol

So there goes my first edition of “The lies we tell“. There are so many that I figured I better break this up into parts. Please feel free to comment some lies that you would like to see in future posts.

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Friend or Frenemy? Mean Girls In Real Life.

 Got Frenemies?

As women, we are no strangers to the shadiness that makes up 3/4 of the female population. Not that men aren’t shady because we all know dudes will turn on their friends faster than then you can say 2K15…but they could never hold a candle to the immense under handed shade that goes on between us women. If you have ever seen Mean Girls it gives you a good idea of what it’s like to live in “Girl World”. We are so talented that we can insult you, your momma, and several ancestors and will walk away like…

And you will have no idea she just came for your entire Family tree. That my friends is what this post is about…Our “frenemies” and their many characteristics. So without further ado let’s jump right in…

Side Ways Sally

Sally is the friend that hits you with the side ways compliments…which is a compliment and diss at the same daggone time! Yeap, it’s a thing. She is the sour patch kid of the group and is so gifted that you may not even realize she has been calling you a bald headed scallywag since the third grade. The cool thing about Sally is she has no allegiance. She is an equal opportunist and insults everyone the same. She will say things like “It’s about time you did something to your hair. It looks really good today.”…and midway through your giddy “Thank y-” you realize she just told you your hair ain’t never prospered and you should start doing better on a regular basis. Shawty is amazing at what she does…so much that she can even sneak diss ya momma and leave both of y’all speechless like “Wow, that is a really nice dress Mrs. Jones. I wish I was brave enough to wear white after Labor day. Good for you!” Hol’ up!! Did she just…?…That darn Sally! But Sally really isn’t the worst of the bunch. She is just all for herself and is not afraid to let anyone know it.

Messy Margaret

Margaret is the friend that stays in the midst of conflict. She lives for drama and is slick the most annoying of the bunch. Have you ever met a girl that conveniently knows everyone’s business and “accidentally” shares info that was supposed to be kept secret? Yeap, that’s ole Messy Marge! She is amazing at making things look like a mistake and will have you convinced that “It slipped”! Bye, Felicia…you are everything but slick! The most bothersome thing about her is that she is usually the scary one of the group and when ish hits the fan she dips out like Usain Bolt, wearing a jet pack. She is probably subtweeting you right now and pretending it’s about someone else. Riddle me this: How do you have a PhD in conflict but you’re afraid of it???! Does that make sense to y’all? Nah? Me neither. But nevertheless she will always be there to air out everyone’s dirty laundry on the low like…

Back-Stabbing Betty

Betty is the most common frenemy around. Whether you know it or not she has been in your circle more than once. Betty is normally that friend that calls you up and talks bad about Sally and Margaret…then she gets off the phone, has a tall glass of haterade, and calls one of them to gossip about you. Crazy thing about Betty is she actually thinks she is a good friend (most of the time)…her back stabbing stems from her low self esteem and the fact that she will never have nice things because she can’t be trusted. She is normally the most envious of the bunch and wears her insecurities on her sleeve. I used to be cool with a Betty but after I peeped game I told her unfortunate behind to…

SWERVEEEE!

Fickle Fran

Have you ever dealt with a person that only calls or comes around when they need you? Fran is her name and flip flopping is her game. She is not necessarily a frenemy but a bad friend just the same. She is the one who doesn’t answer calls, don’t return texts, and won’t show up unless it’s fitting to her. She looks out for numero uno. ALL THE TIME…and has no remorse about it because she can’t see past herself long enough to realize she is the queen of self love. Fran actually has good intentions…her intentions, however, never turn into action. But know this, if Franny is having man trouble or in need of an ear to listen she will be on your line in a heartbeat. But look on the bright side…she is too focused on herself to even have the time to back stab you. Never-the-less she is not a real friend and needs to be dismissed with a smile and a pair of dueces…

PEACE!

Home-wrecking Hannah

Hannah is the reason why some of my readers are on probation w/ an assault charge, right now. Whether she is your friend or your mans friend Hannah is a royal beat down waiting to happen.

This girl has two categories. The first category is your friend who has been silently coveting your man. She is a wolf in sheeps clothing and completely out to get hers (or yours…whatever…you know what I’m trying to say). She will ask about how the relationship is going and give advice here and there…but don’t be fooled! She fully intends to wait on the sidelines for your relationship to die off…so she can be the vulture to swoop and devour the left overs, formerly known as bae. The second category is made up of HIS shysty female friend. She was more than likely friends w/ him before you all became a thing and has been sitting courtside in his life, waiting for him to summon her from the “friend zone” bench she was sat on…(which clearly never happened) but she is hellbent on wiggling her way between y’all. She is caddy and will use every trick in her sneaky arsenal to get him to open his eyes to her. MA’AM, this is not “Love and Basketball” or “Brown Sugar” and you are NOT Sanaa Lathan. LET IT GO! The kicker with this one is that it is YOUR mans responsibility to put home girl on a leash. Not yours…because unfortunately she will never admit her motive and it will make you look jealous and insecure (yeap…stupid…I know). But if you’re in a situation where bae refuses to check her then that is a bigger problem in and of itself. But don’t fret and don’t let Hannah bother you. Just sit back on your throne, laugh, and remember who got the juice like…

Welp…that’s all of them for now. If reading this has helped you to realize that you have some squares in your circle CUT  your losses and move on. A friend should be

1. Compassionate

2. Dependable

3. Genuine

4. Trustworthy

5. Supportive

6. Caring

…and if they don’t their presence is in no way benefitting you. You do not have to end on bad terms or even tell them that you are distancing yourself (especially if you have told them what bothers you many times before). Just move forward and wait for God to usher the right people into your life.

Thanks for reading 🙂

If you know someone who should read this please share, share, share!

IOr if you read and feel like I left out a frenemy and want me to add it to the list comment on your thoughts and subscribe via email for updates on my latest posts!

Stay Golden loves.

The Many Stages of Situationships

Everyone has that one friend who cannot seem to get her love life together. She’s normally the friend who falls too deep, too fast, and too often…or the friend that is in sweet denial about the daily train wreck she calls a relationship. So before I really get into the actual point I thought it best to introduce our friends and their uniquely unfortunate situations…

Denial

She is the friend that cannot come to grips with the reality that her “situationship” is not the euphoria she has created in her head. She is dead set on being that ride-or-die chick. The Bonnie to a Clyde who more than likely doesn’t even have a car for her to RIDE in. How do you “ride” for a dude who walks every where?! (I need a real answer to that question but we will come back to that). She dates the guy with potential. We all know him. He’s the guy who is actually pretty smart but doesn’t apply it. His issues range from cheating, habitual lying, or he is going through that time in his life where he is “between” jobs and/or cars. HA! It doesn’t matter how much you tell Denial he is not the one she genuinely believes that her love will change him and when it does she is in for a long life of perpetual bliss…

The Rationalizer

This one is my favorite. The reason I say that is because I am 75% caring and 25% petty…so while I am giving wisdom 3/4’s of the time the other quarter is internally tickled at the way she deludes herself. The Rationalizer is the friend that has 99 excuses and a good man ain’t one! She is different from your girl Denial in the way that she can admit that her man isn’t the pillar of chivalry BUT (and that’s a big but) home girl has a plethora of excuses as to why. The biggest thing that gets me is she can just have finished a rant about him and IMMEDIATELY go back on everything she just said by…You guessed it…making excuses for why he can’t  EVER get his life together….I.E. “I can’t stand him! He is lazy and stays spending our bill money on liquor and going clubbing with his stupid friends…but his grandma did just die three years ago and he is slick going through a really hard time right now.” WAYMENT…how did you just talk yourself in and out of him being worthless in less than 10 seconds? Girlll, bye!!!

The Social Media Monger

You may not be friends with the Social Media Monger but everybody knows her. She is the girl forever crying for a cyber psychologist to rescue her from relationship purgatory or for a few likes and some sympathy. She hangs out on Facebook, Instagram, and twitter etc. posting pics of lions w/ power couple quotes and cutesy pics of them feeding each other ice cream or whatever…Fast forward two days later she’s undermining any integrity that their relationship held by posting a series of subliminal memes and quote pics that are clearly directed at their latest quarrel. Worst case scenario is following the SUPER Social Media Monger…she is the over achiever of this class and will not hesitate to flood your TL w/ 25 posts that all mean the same thing “I AM DATING A TIRED EXCUSE FOR A MAN”…fast forward Three days later…”Oh, would you look at that, a picture of him proposing at Chik-fil-A.” It’s nerve wracking at best and I end up un following  her wishy washy behind like…”It’s not you….”

And then we have…

The Scarecrow

The Scarecrow is that friend that is not in a bad relationship but somehow manages to chase good men away.

This friend is different from all the others because she is genuinely longing for a healthy relationship. The major issue here is that she is so used to dating jerks, that when chivalry arrives in the form of a gentleman the interaction feels unnatural and she retreats faster than Jay-Z about to walk on an elevator with Solange. This can be the most frustrating case because as much as you want to see your friend happy you fear it may never happen…mainly because she can’t let her guard down long enough to allow the RIGHT guy to show her what it is to be treated like a queen. So, of course she goes back to good ole faithful and starts devoting her time and energy to someone who will never be on the level she desires. It’s a really sad cycle and unfortunately really hard to get out of.

The Baby Momma Monster

Y’all I had to take a days break just to come back and deal with this one. There are two phases of the Baby

Momma Monster..

.

Both Phases are made up of women who normally had a baby with a man, who they were more than likely NEVER in a relationship with. Phase 1: She starts out happy, planning their wedding in her mind, buying him and the baby matching Jay’s, and she will even pay homeboy bills (out of hopes that she can get enlisted in the wifey program)…but as soon as baby girl finds out he ain’t checking for her…Lawd!

Phase 2: Begins after she has gone certifiably insane and has made the decision that if “I can’t have him, NO ONE WILL!” She is a combination of  Denial, The Rationalizer, & The Social Media Monger. Poor thing did NOT get enough hugs as a child and will devote every fiber of her being to see that baby daddy never lives in peace. This is the friend that you CANNOT help. I repeat…you cannot help this girl! She is too far gone and may end up on an episode of snapped if she doesn’t get help from the Lordt, IMMEDIATELY. This is probably the only “situationship” where I genuinely feel bad for the man. ‘Cause if I were him I would be looking over my shoulder (every where I went), changing my number thrice a week, and going home daily to sit in fetal position, in a corner like…

Smh…bless him!

And there you have it. I only listed a few of The Many Stages of Situationships but you get the point. We have all either been here or wiped the tears of a friend who has. I am slick a recovering Social Media Monger myself and still have to attend the AA meetings twice a month.

Which one are you?? Do you have a friend that should read this post?!

Like, Comment, Follow, and Share if so.

Until next time…