The Mans Guide to Female thought…

I Love My Man

But there have been many times where I have wanted to strangle him…briefly.

It’s like he knows me so well at times and others we are on totally different pages…in COMPLETELY different books.

I’m sure it’s the same for him though. I am pretty much your typical female when it comes to the basis of our relationship. First off I am always up under him (hugs, kisses, cuddling, hand holding etc.). Secondly, I have a tendency to be a tad bit spoiled at times (which is pretty much 99% his fault) which can lead to brat-e-ness when he tells me no. Thirdly, I get emotional over silly things some times (which I’m positive is annoying). Now being that he has become pretty used to these things it’s probably not that big of a deal but I’m sure after a long day at work it can become a bit bothersome.

The point I am trying to reach is that it is impossible to read each other’s thoughts but I thought I would put together some guidelines for our men to refer to, when you are in a pinch w/ bae.

Think you can pass the test?

Question #1

You come home from a long day of work and your girlfriend/wife is pissed at your interaction with another female on Instagram. To you, it is not a big deal but she seems very upset. Do you…?

had enough

A. Tell her that she is over reacting and that she should get over it.

B. Talk with her about the issue she has and come to an agreement on how to handle this scenario in the future?

C. Assure her that she is right and promise to never talk to another female on social media again?

D. Ignore her and continue playing 2k15?

If you answered A or D you are begging to be single. If you answered C you are a pushover and need to ask Spalding if you can borrow some balls. BUT if you answered B then you my friend are on the track for success.Here’s the deal with us women…we need to know that our feelings and opinions are valued. We hate to be ignored and we will never respect a man that we can completely control. So with that being said communication is key. I agree that we are territorial by nature but we also know when a female is purposely over stepping her bounds…I mean shouldn’t we? Unless you’re dealing with a woman who is psycho possessive you should trust her judgment and show her by listening to her issue/concern and deciding how these situations should be handled in the future.

QUESTION #2

So you and your girl have had a rough weekend. You are arguing constantly and can’t seem to get along. Later, you try to carry on a conversation with her and she is giving you one word answers (whereas in a normal situation you can’t shut her up). You ask her if she is okay and she replies “Yes” with a straight face and annoyed tone. Do you…?

yes

A. Say “Cool!” and continue on with the conversation.

B. Yell “You ain’t got to lie craig!” laugh and walk away.

C. Start begging her to forgive you because you can’t live without her.

D. Let her know you can tell she is upset and whenever she is ready to talk through it you will be here.

First of all if you answered A or B you are super petty and I am not fooling with you today lol if you answered C then you just a soft ashhh dude and you need the type of help that I cannot provide. D was the right answer…so if you are Mr. D then I applaud you…wait…did I just say Mr…Smh, whatever…like I was saying if you answered D that was the correct answer. I am guilty of saying I am fine, when I am not. It’s the brat in us…we want to be acknowledged and sometimes babied…bottom line is we want to know that you care enough to fight for us. But that doesn’t make this the right behavior for these types of situations. So if she feels like being petty then you do not have to press her. By telling her you can clearly see that she is upset and that you are ready to talk it out when she is, YOU have gained control of this situation. You have bounced the ball in her court and now she understands that you care but she can also see that you aren’t a door mat. SWOOOONNN!! What women doesn’t want a man that can show concern and still be in control?! Trick question…we all do because we love that ish!

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QUESTION # 3

Your girlfriend is wearing a hairstyle that you pretty much hate. In your eyes it doesn’t compliment her the way other styles have and you want her to ditch the do. So do you…?

You hate my hair? Um...okay...
You hate my hair? Um…okay…

A. Tell her that she is always beautiful but you like it better when she does her hair like (insert style.)

B. Inform her that hair hat she is rocking today looks ridiculous.

C. Snap a picture for the gram and caption it “Slaw or nah?”.

D. Act like you don’t notice so you don’t hurt her feelings.

The correct answer is A. You never want to lie to us or let us go out looking like “…a mess where heat is applied to it.” But to really understand why A is the proper answer, you must first delve into the world of a woman. If you haven’t already noticed we can be immensely self conscious. We care more about YOUR opinion above anyone else’s. We also seek your approval and want to overall impress our men (unless she has gotten to a point where she is too comfortable and that is a problem in and of itself). Anyway, when you express an extremely negative view on the way we look it creates self esteem hurdles, that you as a man can never understand and we as women have a hard time overcoming. We already live in a society where we are valued by skin tone, physique, and overall appearance. The pressure to look as good as the next female is always on and once you open that door it’s hard to close. Men value their pride…women NEED their self esteem. So to avoid hitting her confidence with a big K.O. every time you dislike her outfit or choice of hair style, know your intent and watch your approach. You could unknowingly push her to question her worth. Yeap! It can be THAT serious.

Question #4

When she says “I don’t care where we eat. You choose.” Does she really mean…

A. I’m not really that hungry anyway.

B. He always chooses the best restaurants.

C. I am in an indecisive mood but I actually do care where we eat and if you choose wrong I WILL be agitated.

D. It really doesn’t matter where we eat because I am too hungry to care.

Welp, if you answered anything but C you are sorely mistaken! We pretty much always have room for food, a man rarely picks the right restaurant, and it ALWAYS matters where we eat. So why do we say we don’t care when we really do?! Yeah…I haven’t figured that one out yet but when I do I’ll let y’all know. I guess it’s because we’re hoping that one day your taste will be as good as ours and you’ll finally decide to choose Zaxby’s over Taco Hell.

Question #5

When your girlfriend says she doesn’t trust another female around you is she saying….?

A. She looks like she is going and I don’t have the extra funds for probation fees.

B. She is clearly in love with you and ain’t fooling nobody.

C. Cut all ties with her before I CUT both of you!

D. You know I trust you but I don’t trust her and would prefer if you limit contact with her.

And the answer is***Drum Rolls*** …ALL OF THE ABOVE…depending on who you’re dating. Here’s the reality of this situation…we are women…women know women…so we know when another woman has her eye on our man. The signs are pretty clear from day one unless home girl is really getting her Halle Berry on and putting in OT to earn her Oscar…”And the sneakiest performance award goes to….!!”

“Yeen slick boo!”

Nah, my girl…we see you! In any case you should never give another female a platform to disrespect your woman. It’s one thing if bae is overly suspicious of ALL women then she may just be super insecure. But if she is pin pointing one shawty who is clearly feeling you and you can’t see it TRUST HER WORD…&& tell ole girl to have a seat _/ in the rejection section! If you feel like there is a mis-understanding then set up a time where all of you can sit down like adults and talk it out. Other, than that put the shoe on the other foot and understand that you know men better than we do and that we should trust your word as well!

Do you think you passed the test? Want to see more post like this? Go HAM in the comments and tell me what you agree/disagree with!

STAY.GOLDEN. BOO

 

 

The Many Stages of Situationships

Everyone has that one friend who cannot seem to get her love life together. She’s normally the friend who falls too deep, too fast, and too often…or the friend that is in sweet denial about the daily train wreck she calls a relationship. So before I really get into the actual point I thought it best to introduce our friends and their uniquely unfortunate situations…

Denial

She is the friend that cannot come to grips with the reality that her “situationship” is not the euphoria she has created in her head. She is dead set on being that ride-or-die chick. The Bonnie to a Clyde who more than likely doesn’t even have a car for her to RIDE in. How do you “ride” for a dude who walks every where?! (I need a real answer to that question but we will come back to that). She dates the guy with potential. We all know him. He’s the guy who is actually pretty smart but doesn’t apply it. His issues range from cheating, habitual lying, or he is going through that time in his life where he is “between” jobs and/or cars. HA! It doesn’t matter how much you tell Denial he is not the one she genuinely believes that her love will change him and when it does she is in for a long life of perpetual bliss…

c5c39270-a5b8-0131-8961-12143389e368

The Rationalizer

This one is my favorite. The reason I say that is because I am 75% caring and 25% petty…so while I am giving wisdom 3/4’s of the time the other quarter is internally tickled at the way she deludes herself. The Rationalizer is the friend that has 99 excuses and a good man ain’t one! She is different from your girl Denial in the way that she can admit that her man isn’t the pillar of chivalry BUT (and that’s a big but) home girl has a plethora of excuses as to why. The biggest thing that gets me is she can just have finished a rant about him and IMMEDIATELY go back on everything she just said by…You guessed it…making excuses for why he can’t  EVER get his life together….I.E. “I can’t stand him! He is lazy and stays spending our bill money on liquor and going clubbing with his stupid friends…but his grandma did just die three years ago and he is slick going through a really hard time right now.” WAYMENT…how did you just talk yourself in and out of him being worthless in less than 10 seconds? Girlll, bye!!!

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The Social Media Monger

You may not be friends with the Social Media Monger but everybody knows her. She is the girl forever crying for a cyber psychologist to rescue her from relationship purgatory or for a few likes and some sympathy. She hangs out on Facebook, Instagram, and twitter etc. posting pics of lions w/ power couple quotes and cutesy pics of them feeding each other ice cream or whatever…Fast forward two days later she’s undermining any integrity that their relationship held by posting a series of subliminal memes and quote pics that are clearly directed at their latest quarrel. Worst case scenario is following the SUPER Social Media Monger…she is the over achiever of this class and will not hesitate to flood your TL w/ 25 posts that all mean the same thing “I AM DATING A TIRED EXCUSE FOR A MAN”…fast forward Three days later…”Oh, would you look at that, a picture of him proposing at Chik-fil-A.” It’s nerve wracking at best and I end up un following  her wishy washy behind like…”It’s not you….”

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And then we have…

The Scarecrow

The Scarecrow is that friend that is not in a bad relationship but somehow manages to chase good men away.

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This friend is different from all the others because she is genuinely longing for a healthy relationship. The major issue here is that she is so used to dating jerks, that when chivalry arrives in the form of a gentleman the interaction feels unnatural and she retreats faster than Jay-Z about to walk on an elevator with Solange. This can be the most frustrating case because as much as you want to see your friend happy you fear it may never happen…mainly because she can’t let her guard down long enough to allow the RIGHT guy to show her what it is to be treated like a queen. So, of course she goes back to good ole faithful and starts devoting her time and energy to someone who will never be on the level she desires. It’s a really sad cycle and unfortunately really hard to get out of.

The Baby Momma Monster

Y’all I had to take a days break just to come back and deal with this one. There are two phases of the Baby

Momma Monster..

.Baby momma monster

Both Phases are made up of women who normally had a baby with a man, who they were more than likely NEVER in a relationship with. Phase 1: She starts out happy, planning their wedding in her mind, buying him and the baby matching Jay’s, and she will even pay homeboy bills (out of hopes that she can get enlisted in the wifey program)…but as soon as baby girl finds out he ain’t checking for her…Lawd!

baby momma monster 2

Phase 2: Begins after she has gone certifiably insane and has made the decision that if “I can’t have him, NO ONE WILL!” She is a combination of  Denial, The Rationalizer, & The Social Media Monger. Poor thing did NOT get enough hugs as a child and will devote every fiber of her being to see that baby daddy never lives in peace. This is the friend that you CANNOT help. I repeat…you cannot help this girl! She is too far gone and may end up on an episode of snapped if she doesn’t get help from the Lordt, IMMEDIATELY. This is probably the only “situationship” where I genuinely feel bad for the man. ‘Cause if I were him I would be looking over my shoulder (every where I went), changing my number thrice a week, and going home daily to sit in fetal position, in a corner like…

baby momma monster 3

Smh…bless him!

And there you have it. I only listed a few of The Many Stages of Situationships but you get the point. We have all either been here or wiped the tears of a friend who has. I am slick a recovering Social Media Monger myself and still have to attend the AA meetings twice a month.

Which one are you?? Do you have a friend that should read this post?!

Like, Comment, Follow, and Share if so.

Until next time…